Putting The Pieces Together (Failure)

"Just write", they say. Get the story down. I'm not sure I'm on board with that. Am I going to forget the story if I don't type it out? I don't suffer from short-term memory loss. It's true that I mostly don't plan, but usually I have a vague idea of where the story is headed. My problem is writing it.

I struggled with my "big scene" yesterday. By the time I finally got through it, I almost hated it. I don't know how to make a tense scene compelling. Rearranging words in a sentence hardly helps. I know I can't passively describe the action, but depicting fear is apparently something I neither have the words nor the talent for. 

And to be frank, the whole scenario reads somewhat preposterous. I turned a mentally deranged individual into some kind of cold assassin. It's not that I didn't think it through. The antagonist is a psychopath, so he/she (trying to maintain the mystery here) doesn't show emotion like a normal person would, but I may have gone too far with it; turned it into a cartoon.

Then I needed to figure out a way for my MC to get out of the building, with the villain hanging around outside. I went as far as sketching the layout of the office. The villain has a gun and my MC has nothing, not even a phone from which to call for help. The good news is, I did find something for her to use as a weapon. So, there's that.

Regardless of how poorly this thing was written, I've reached the point of tying loose ends together. If I somehow manage to do that competently, my next dreaded task is combining my first draft with the new version of the story. A lot (a lot!) of words from that first iteration will need to be expunged, because they no longer make sense. I really hate this exercise. I had to do it when I condensed a full-length novel into a novella, and it was not only confusing, but mentally exhausting. Soul-killing. I keep telling myself that I just need to develop a procedure, a logical one, for accomplishing that. Don't go in and just start ripping stuff out. 

Right now I'm really down on this story. I wasn't before yesterday, but my inability to write it the way I wanted to is demoralizing. I probably should have stuck with what I know and not try things that are beyond my capabilities. Yes, I'm a believer in challenging oneself, but utter collapse is not encouraging.

Tomorrow I may feel differently. I hope so. Two freakin' months of this and what do I have to show for it? 

Writing is a thankless pursuit.