Writing My Pivotal Scene Did Not Go Well

I promised an update on yesterday's writing session, where I was tasked with writing my pivotal scene. It turned out worse than I'd anticipated, and my expectations were low to begin with.

I began, as I usually do when I'm lacking confidence, by writing "around" the scene. I spent too much time on little events leading up to it, although I managed to explain why a particular side character seemed to always be watching the MC. (It was an innocent misunderstanding, so rather inconsequential. I do like tying up loose ends, though.)

Finally I tried to form an image in my head of how events would play out. I do like writing scenes in which the MC treats little occurrences as everyday annoyances, and has no conception that little occurrences will turn into big ones. So, she returns to the office with her to-go lunch and finds the door locked. She theorizes that her boss (who is also her fiance) took his new client out to a nicer place, perhaps a coffee shop, to discuss business. MC settles down on the curb and begins sampling items from her lunch bag. She's thankful that the sun has now traveled to the other side of her building, since the day is unnaturally hot. A proprietor across the street returns to his place of business and waves to her. In all, a run-of-the-mill day, except for the fact that she's locked out.

That's where I hit a roadblock. She hears a loud noise from inside the office and is startled. Neither she nor I know what the noise is. I wish I did. I just left it at that (it probably needs explaining). She tries to peer inside through the drawn blinds. That obviously doesn't work. She pounds on the door; no response. She runs around to the alley, where there's a back door, hoping it was accidentally left unlocked. Panicked, she tries breaking the door's glass with a metal trash can. 

See, right here lies a problem. Why is she so convinced a dire situation is unfolding? From a couple of thumps? Granted, she'd logically assumed no one was inside, since the door was locked, but that's still a pretty big leap. And an oversize reaction to something that could be innocent. No, this was written all wrong. The first thing I forgot to have her do was check her phone while waiting outside to see if her fiance had left a message explaining where he was. Next, it's gonna take more than a couple of thumps to cause panic. Voices from inside ~ or something.

I wanted to have a lot of things happening at once, to increase the scene's disorientation. I do have her new law enforcement friend call (while she's swinging the trash can) to say he'd "gotten a hit" on the trace he'd put out on her stalker, and she ignores that and pleads with him to get there as fast as he can.

This is all wrong. The identity of the stalker is crucial, not something to be lost in the commotion. He needs to call her before the noises start, while she's still lazing on the curb, in order for the reveal to have impact. The news has to throw her for a loop. Perhaps then the subsequent sounds coming from inside will evoke alarm.

I was pretty confident before I began that this scene would be a big fail. My certainty was confirmed. This'll require a do-over. However, I choose to look on the bright side. I've gotten some of the bones correct, mostly the run-up to the incident, sadly. But it's a start.

A good writer would tell me exactly how to do this. Unfortunately, he or she is unavailable, so I'm going to have to figure it out on my own. 

To be continued...