As The Stomach Turns

 (What if there isn't one?)

I might be being too hard on myself. I keep writing in the hope that something will materialize, and something tends to, but nothing big. While I don't expect Second Chance to sell once it's finally published, I still want it to be good, if for no other reason than my self-respect. Not to go off on a tangent, but I'm finding a general lack of self-respect nowadays. People are willing to forego it in favor of being liked (looking at you, media). Nevertheless, self-respect matters to me. I want to be able to say (just to myself, I guess) that I'm proud of me.

It's not that I don't know where this story will eventually go, but it's certainly taking the roundabout way. And I'm not even sure why I'm so intent on making this a full novel; my novellas always satisfied my need to write. But I've committed to it and you know me; I have to see things through.

I'll admit that I enjoy taking the long way. I'm fully immersed in the main character's journey, and while there are no jarring revelations so far, the process of telling her complete story feels...comfortable. It's allowing me to enjoy writing again. I don't worry about the book being successful or even liked by anyone who's not me. I just write.

So, what happened yesterday, you may ask? Again, essentially one and a half scenes. (This plodding along is crazy.) I knew my main character finally had to start standing up for herself or she would essentially disappear inside the pages. I even acknowledged this writing weakness in Inn Dreams, where the MC admitted that she was a reactor; not an actor. There is a fine line between assertiveness and unlikability, though, so I have to choose my moments.

The impetus for the scene was MC receiving a text with a link to her EP's cover design. It's awful. When she first landed in Nashville, her label sent her off to a hoity-toity photographer for publicity photos, which was not only a humiliating experience but resulted in a cringeworthy depiction of her that was the antithesis of her true self. She'd escaped the photo studio without even glancing at the proofs, but now here was the worst one, adorning her album cover. She shows it to her manager, who offers to "handle it", but MC finally embraces her anger. She calls the A&R guy herself. She gets the usual runaround from his assistant ~ he's in a meeting, she says ~ but MC tells her to "pull him out". To her surprise, it works. 

But the conversation does not go well. The A&R guy (who signed her to the label) is a puzzlement. On the one hand, he's gone to bat for her once or twice, but on the other, he's treated her badly and disrespected her. (No character is all good or all bad.) So I tried to characterize this dichotomy. His initial response to her complaint is unnecessarily cruel ~ the label owns you, he essentially tells her. And the label has no hopes that she'll succeed. 

MC decides to swallow his degrading comments and try a different tack. She appeals to his "better side"; stops demanding and tries reasoning instead ~ along with a bit of flattery. In the end, he agrees to "try" switching out the photo, not guaranteeing that the label will go along.

After MC hangs up, she's met with applause from behind and turns to find her mentor flush with pride. It seems her mentor has been waiting and waiting for MC to finally grow a pair, and now she had.

After that, there was a brief mention of how the next legs on the tour weren't as satisfying as that first night. Once again, her mentor had offered a bit of wisdom about nothing comparing to the initial high of that first audience reaction and that from then on, when sets didn't go as well, she'd begin questioning herself, asking what she was doing wrong. Sure enough. It wasn't an important point to make, but it was interesting (to me) that things played out just as her mentor had said they would.

I did also add a bit about how MC stood backstage every night after her set was finished and studied the superstar on stage. Dissected why the star did what she did, said what she said to the audience, even what the star's little mannerisms evoked in them. That served the purpose of showing why this person is the star that she is (since little has been said about that) and it also showed that MC is invested enough in her career to want to learn.

I ended with a man showing up at the tour bus door as MC sat up front and the others were occupied elsewhere. He tells her that he's there to see the star, and naturally MC assumes he's a stalker, and she only speaks to him through the closed bus door. He certainly looks like a stalker. Certainly no industry professional, evidenced by his too casual attire and worn sneakers. Of course, she's completely misjudged the man's intent, which I will get to once I continue the story. And it'll lead to what the superstar's been writing in the journal she was so upset that MC might open. 

Thus, I did accomplish a couple of my goals: to show the main character as an actual person instead of an obedient doormat, and to hint at the interior life of her mentor, who, like all people, is not perfect.

Yes, I'm disturbed by my slow writing pace; I won't deny it. But I am thinking things through and not just moving ahead at breakneck speed. I want this story to be one to get lost in. I'm okay with the way things are going, but disheartened by the knowledge that Part 1 is so different and not in a good way. Part 1 is going to take a lot of work to shape up. I'm just not going to think about that now.

Just think, reader. If you keep reading this blog, you'll know the story long before it ever reaches publication!