Confession

I'm not as good a writer as I want to be, and I don't think that possibility even exists. I have a fatal flaw, which is an inability to communicate my vision in an appealing way.

It's true that I lucked out a couple of times, but those were flukes. I didn't write those novellas any differently than I write any of them. My writing formula stayed pretty consistent. I didn't learn how to please readers by trying something new. I also struck out more than I succeeded. 

I'm also a poor judge of my own work. When I read back whatever I've written, whether one scene or an entire manuscript, I like it. If I didn't like it, I'd change it. I'm unable to discern what I've done wrong. 

If you're a reader of this blog, you know that I've been trying to take my most universal criticisms to heart. While overall, most reviewers liked my books, most of them mention that they are too rushed. I'm not going to try to defend myself. Perception is the truth, they say. So with my current work, I'm deliberately not rushing. But I can't get that right, either. Now it's too bogged down in detail. Is it better to be quick and snappy or long and dull? Well, neither. 

Other authors tell us to read more. I'm a lifelong reader. I know how good books are supposed to go. It's just that I can't do it. I'm a fairly intelligent person, but intelligence isn't the issue. Some people know a good photograph when they see it, but they don't have the talent to compose a good one themselves. I had a work friend whose framed photos were all taken from miles away. The subjects were unidentifiable. Obviously, she'd seen tons of great photos ~ she was big on photo calendars; she kept at least two on her desk. But she couldn't grasp the concept of zooming in when she snapped her own.

Talent is the one thing that can't be learned. Either you have it or you don't. It's instinctive. You can't force talent. Talent is the building block. One can always improve, but you can't improve without first having that foundation. 

Where that leaves me is that I'm a hobbyist. One can enjoy a hobby; it keeps the mind occupied and it fills empty hours. But just like I'm never going to become a "professional" coin collector, I'm also never going to become a professional author. 

Yes, I'll keep writing, and here and there something might magically turn out well. But accepting the things you can't change is balm for the soul. Frustration never leads to a good place. And just because I don't have the talent to do a particular thing doesn't mean I can't keeping doing it. So, I think I will.