Confidence

One trait I've never possessed is confidence. Sure, I can be confident about easy things. I'm a good speller, I can speak in front of people (which is a really weird talent considering my introversion), as well as a host of other things that don't much matter. But I'm not confident about my writing.

While I've dabbled a bit in promotion ~ cheap promos here and there ~ I always embark on it with trepidation. What if someone buys my book and leaves a negative review? Luckily (?) very few people have purchased my books, but I did do an ARC giveaway through Voracious Readers Only that resulted in a bizarre number of takers; nearly two hundred, and the smattering of reviews that resulted were mostly positive, with a couple of standout negatives mixed in.

The way I feel about the positive reviews is, these are nice people who understand they got the book for free and don't feel comfortable crapping on the writer. Despite the incessant negativity on social media, there are still nice people in the world. I probably should be elated by these reviews, but I'm not. There are probably two people who are actual fans of my work, although I don't know why. 

The negative reviews are what really affect me; I think because they validate my own opinion of my writing. Not the unfair reviewers ~ like the one who accused me of using words I don't understand ~ you know, the people with emotional disorders, but the reviewers who sincerely strive to be fair, yet find elements that weren't executed well. Yes, I take those to heart and I've strived to correct them in my current manuscript, but a published book shouldn't be a learning experience for the author. Once a book is published, it's supposed to be good; pleasing to the reader. It's not a scrap and do-over at that point.

I'll never be confident in my work, because I can't do it in a way that pleases me. Don't get me wrong; there's a lot to like about my books. If I truly thought they sucked, I wouldn't publish them. But "not sucking" isn't exactly the key to success. I envy those self-published authors who are confident. I wish that was me. But all signs point to that being an impossibility. The most copies of any book I've ever sold was 41 (with one total review). Sales and positive word of mouth might grant me a smidgen of confidence. I have very little of either.

Trying hard guarantees nothing. By now, with eleven published books, I shouldn't have to try so hard to be better. Comparing myself to others is hardly helpful. I just read a post from someone who has ten thousand email subscribers. How is that even possible? Don't get me wrong; that's not a goal of mine, but it shows how puny I am compared to everyone else. 

I do appreciate the smattering of praise I've received. I need to accept it in the spirit it was given and not hunt for ulterior motives. Maybe some people really do like my work. That's something.