No Response Means No

It occurred to me today that I have a lot of outstanding queries from before I put an end to the querying process. Only a couple of those agencies note "no response means no" on their websites. As for the others, it does seem kind of rude not to respond with a polite "no thank you". I sometimes think literary agents exist simply to destroy authors' psyches. My query wasn't even worth a simple no?

For fun I sometimes search the hashtags #amquerying and #mswl (manuscript wishlist) on Twitter. All the #amquerying authors start out so hopeful and enthusiastic. I should check back on their tweets a few months from now. Of course, one must be hopeful or they wouldn't put themselves through the torture. I don't chuckle at their tweets; I actually feel sad for them. Reality is going to be a bitch. Having queried (now) three novels, I'm pretty hardened, but I, too, was hopeful with this third one at first. I think my first rejection came almost instantaneously, and from there I knew. I kept trying, though! I put forth a real effort. I rewrote my query about six or seven times, I ditched the novel's opening and reordered the first few chapters (at the most an agent will only ask for five chapters, and even that is rare). When none of my query versions produced even a maybe, I decided to pack it in. Cut my losses. 

There is a published author who, it seems, also scans the #amquerying tweets and isn't shy about chiding the naive. Not in a mean way, but in a "Hello? Are you kidding?" tone. The authors who especially provoke a response are those who kiss agents' asses, as if literary agents are mythical gods. His responses are so spot on, I started following him. My own take is that agents are essentially clerical workers with bad taste in fiction. 

Yesterday in #mswl an agent posted a chain of tweets detailing her work process, complete with a photo of her spreadsheet, noting how long it takes her to send out rejections, how long she takes to request partials, etc. She was so proud! Again, rudimentary clerical work. I, too, know how to use Excel. It looks like she spends more time creating bar graphs than she does reading queries. She was careful to note also that she has very specific submission requirements. For kicks I checked out her bio on the agency website. She has had zero of her authors published.

So, if like me you've been rejected so many times you've given up, or unlike me, you want to plunge a dagger in your chest, keep in mind these guys aren't the gurus we've built them up to be. They're basically nightclub bouncers, not talented enough to be inside on the big stage, a member of the band; simply unskilled workers looking for a chance to puff out their chests and deny you admittance.

Does that make you feel better? It does me.