An Honest Author Newsletter

Having nothing better to do this morning, I decided to give my (upcoming) March newsletter a once-over. Bottom line ~ it's boring. 

I think I worry so much about being upbeat and vanilla that it sounds like it was written by my grandma (which would be quite a feat at this point). 

I'm not about to go on and on, not that I would have anything to go on about, but one single page is plenty, and thus I'm not going to include a writing sample, as many "experts" advise. A sample? Like one paragraph? I don't get it. I don't write short stories, and if anybody wants a sample they could always buy a book. I tried perusing my website's blog page, but there really isn't much meat there that would be worth sharing. 

I really don't know what people expect, and I'm pretty sure most people don't even read authors' newsletters anyway. As you know from reading my posts, I only compiled a subscriber list because one of my novels was included in a 20-book giveaway, and the entrants racked up additional entries by subscribing to the authors' mailing lists. The genre wasn't even women's fiction, so my subscribers aren't exactly fans of my work.

If I was to write an honest newsletter, it would probably go something like this:

 

Hey! Still reading?

Yes, getting this newsletter is a pain. It's not exactly a bed of daffodils for me to write it, either. I'm only doing it in the hope that one single person, somewhere, might one day buy one of my books. Otherwise, I don't care. Just like you.

If you want to unsubscribe, don't be shy. You're not gonna hurt my feelings. I'm actually trying to whittle down my list anyway, because nobody ever bothers to engage. 

I know you didn't like the recipe in last month's letter. Honestly, I just copied and pasted it from a cooking magazine site. The dessert was red, which fit in with February's theme. I sure never made it myself. I don't make stuff! I've got all I can do just typing up this damn thing. 

Oh, and thanks for not entering my book giveaway. If you hated the one from January, you're gonna hate this month's, too! It actually costs me to send out "free" books, so you're saving me money. Not that this was your aim.

I don't like the little personality quizzes and quirky crap I've included in past newsletters, but I've got space to fill! And I don't know what you people want!

In conclusion, it's not that you like me or my work, and it's not that I even know you, but sorry, I'm going to keep sending these out. Grow a pair and unsubscribe if you don't want to see another. This has now become a quest, just like Clark Griswold announced on his way to Wally World. 

All my best.