Who Are These "Professional" Reviewers?

I've begun checking my spam folder ever since I received that email threat the other day from "anonymous", regarding stealing my books and republishing them. Frankly, I just want to see if I get any more emails in this vein. 

What I've noticed, and I'm grateful to Google for dumping them where they belong, is a ton of emails from people who are eager to review my books for a fee. This spam scam is rather intriguing. I mean, I could do that! And make money! So much simpler than writing! One has to hand it to people's ingenuity. Face it, the economy is bad ~ why not invent a side gig? There's no telling how many gullible writers will fall for it. 

To make things simpler for myself, I would ask the writer for a synopsis. That way I wouldn't have to waste time actually reading the book. And I would have a few pat phrases to stick into the review, such as, "I couldn't put it down" or "Can't wait for the next book in this series". It's important to tailor the review to the genre. It could be "a heart wrenching love story" or "a classic battle of good versus evil". Anything trite will do.

I know, I know. Why go to so much work? One could simply write, "I like it" and stick five stars to it and be done. But I, as a professional reviewer, want to remain in demand, so "personalization" is key. After all, if an author is paying me $99.95, I want to give them their money's worth. I'm not unscrupulous, you know.  

Sure, I could spend hours pounding out another novel, agonizing over plot, typing then backspacing and deleting entire paragraphs, pulling out my hair; but life would be so much more fulfilling doing the real work associated with publishing ~ driving eyes to the product (not that I've read it).

The authors who don't take advantage of my service are real chumps. They throw money away on advertising, and for what? No normal reader is ever going to leave a review, especially one as flattering and heartfelt as mine. And is it even worth their time and embarrassment begging for ARC readers? I don't even have to read the book! I already know what I'm going to say. What could be better? And more guaranteed? (certain restrictions apply.)

I've been searching for a profession that's more profitable than writing, and thanks to my spam folder, I've found it! 

Thanks, Google! And a big pat on the back to me for thinking to click on that folder!