No One is Going to Buy It

The depressing thought I can't vanquish from my mind is that no one is going to want my novel. I set a new personal record; I wrote a story consisting of over 100 K words, but does anyone care? Of course not. No, I don't equate quantity with quality; I'm saying I wrote a full, immersive story; I just don't think anyone will care for it.

Imposter syndrome isn't an imaginary writer hangup. It's often real. I'm the very worst judge of my own work. I always like it. But do I like it for the accomplishment, or because I actually like it? If it was a book I picked up, written by some stranger, would I find it interesting or would I give up after a couple of chapters?

It's a hard admission to make, but most of the people who've read one of my books all the way through were ARC readers, who felt an obligation. It was nice of them to do it, but I can't think of anything worse than a pity read.  

I'm missing something, and that something is, a compelling story, compellingly told. I just can't do it. I don't possess that talent. I'd be much better off writing a technical manual. I can definitely write logically; I can explain things clearly. In fact, part of my former occupation was writing procedural manuals. But procedural manuals are by their nature, boring. No one's going to pick one up for recreational reading. 

It's true that a couple of my novellas are good, but I'm pretty sure that happened by accident. It's not as if I tried harder with those than I did with the others. I tried the exact same amount of "hard". In fact, I always try hard. I beat myself up over it.

I watched a couple of writing videos this morning, and they were filled with "don'ts". Don't do this; don't ever do that. There are so many don'ts, it's impossible to keep track of all of them. Just today I learned I shouldn't use italics to show a character's thoughts. So now I have to go back through my manuscript and correct those instances? Is that even going to benefit my novel? Or is it stupid nitpicking? It's really not the mechanics that count; it's the story. Of course, don't use horrible grammar that's going to irritate people, but I can follow every formatting rule to the letter and still be in the same boat I am now.

Study writing? I've read a lot about technique, and it sounds so easy to do right, except it's not. It's not easy at all. One can understand a concept, but still not be able to execute it.

Wonder why I'm unwilling to invest any real money in my books? This is why. If I had money to burn, sure, I'd do it as a lark, but I can't afford to bet on a losing proposition. I had really high hopes for Inn Dreams. I thought, "A-ha! I've got it down now!" Well, I was wrong. I didn't have anything down. But I still can't put my finger on what that story was missing. 

I'm working hard right now (well, not this very second) to get everything about my novel right, but I have to ask myself why. If anyone does happen to plunk down money for it, they'll end up trashing it in their review. And I never get a thousand reviews; that one bad one will seal my book's fate.

I'm glad this will be my last book. I don't want to put myself through this anymore. It's soul-crushing. Never before have I worked so hard to master something, and never before have I crashed and burned so spectacularly.